“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
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90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Why is no one talking about this?!
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy