You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.