You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing