You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
What.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.