You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
12. I think about this all the damn time
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If you love someone, let them tweet.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel