Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

This kinda thing happens to me often

I love this❤️😁👍

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.