You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE