You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay