You make a compelling argument, Morty.
You Might Also Like
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
