You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Thaw me like one of your french fries