“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class