“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.