“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
calling in to work dehydrated