Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig