You make me want to be a better home and garden.
You Might Also Like
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?