Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

Vodka burrito was a success

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible