You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
SCARY COSTUME
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”