“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
