You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
where do you see yourself in five years?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
making my dog give me my pills
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.