Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash