You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.