Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

I don’t know what to do

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

Anarchy

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”