Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

the council will decide your fate

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

i- i did not expect this

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.