Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Lmao 🤣

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.