You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.