You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Can you solve the riddle??
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!