Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.