You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
whatcha thinkin bout
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.