You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You Might Also Like
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
These are my roll models.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’