Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.