Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when I try to be useful

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

Twitter remains undefeated

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Most Common Source of Electricity

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.