Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

I put the I in Insufferable.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.