Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

I love texting my boyfriend

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?