You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
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being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.