You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
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When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Does your wife know you’re single?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
taking June’s advice to heart
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off