The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food