@animaldrumss

You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you

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@mydmac

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

@rickolantern

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@trojansauce

origin stories:

spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe

@torrami

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

@tastefactory

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

@Tups13

No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.

@cuckoo_cachu

At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*