A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you
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Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math…”
I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down