You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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quarantine day 3
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no