Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls