You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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This seems like peak sibling energy
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS