You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
This might be me.
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