You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime