You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.![]()
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.