Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same