“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
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Netflix: We have Less
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I know karate and tons of other words.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.