Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
*throws football at my head*
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”