You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
You Might Also Like
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Yes, this is exactly right
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Hitlers gonna hitl
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
💀💀
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
your daddy is a what now?
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo