You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
the noise i just made
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
me watching my own Instagram story
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…