You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
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Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I know this now 😂
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.