You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
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5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.