You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
No, he would not have.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.