Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Solving a traffic jam

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

Modded the new Gran Turismo

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Yep.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.