You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
These dogs look like they have good credit.
