Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.