Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!