You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The devil.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!