You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass