What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
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*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
This dude got his own movie?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
favorite tropes as memes
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.