Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.