you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
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It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
every olympics i turn into this guy
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.