you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
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Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE