you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Guilty! 🤪
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it