Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

This is my cat’s medicine.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

If you love someone, let them sleep.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.