Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

you could not pay me to delete this app

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.