Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Sign at work today

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

This makes total sense…

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

I remember when things only cost an arm.

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*