Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Bike for sale

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

crying

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado