Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.