You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.