You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I don’t get marriage
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Encore…
