You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
who’s gonna tell her?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Emma is smarter than all of us.
We have a winner.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.