You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?