You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Mouse
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Living the best life.. 😊
finally found a reasonable question
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Current mood: Potato
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.