You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
You Might Also Like
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
These work great until they don’t.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Siri: Retweet me.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks