You might just have to resign…
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[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.