You might just have to resign…
You Might Also Like
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Holy moly
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
for all #parents out there
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?