Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Goat cheese is for herders.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.