You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
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H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
absolutely not
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
The news is so predictable nowadays
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I have so many questions.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower