Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.