Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D8p9vlvXoAAaaC1.mp4

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!